Archer Madness
by Red Witch
Summary: Once again Archer interrupts Mallory's plans to make more money for the agency. And by interrupt I mean completely totals them.


**Archer has driven off with the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some madness inspired by real life events. **

**Archer Madness**

It was the beginning of the phenomenon known as March Madness. The time of year when employees hid their secret bets and brackets from their employers while they worked at anything except what they were supposed to be doing. This was the scourge of employers everywhere.

"All right Cyril get me the odds on that Kentucky vs. Penn State game and Ray I need you to evaluate the defense of UMass!" Mallory barked orders to her staff that was working in the office. Several charts filled with brackets were all over the room.

Well most employers.

"And to think," Cyril sighed as he did his calculations. "Some bosses discourage betting on the playoffs during work."

"That's because most bosses aren't smart enough to get a cut," Mallory snapped.

"Or desperate enough," Lana groaned.

"Well I have to admit we do need the money," Mallory groaned. "And the way things are going this might be one of the few options we have. We did pretty well last year so…"

"The CIA still not taking your calls?" Cyril sighed.

"No," Mallory grumbled.

"Where's Archer?" Lana looked around. "I thought he'd want in on this again."

"I sent him on an errand," Mallory waved. "Besides I already got his input."

Flashback to the other day.

"So who do you like in the Harvard vs. UConn game?" Mallory asked Archer.

"Harvard definitely," Archer nodded.

"Really? Hmmm…" Mallory thought. "Okay UConn it is."

"Oh come on!" Archer barked.

"Who do you like in the Cincinnati vs. Perdue game?" Mallory asked.

"Cincinnati? Why..? Oh come on!" Archer protested as he saw his mother write down the opposite. "Real mature Mother! Real mature!"

"And Louisville verses Wyoming?" Mallory asked.

"Uh…Wyoming! Yeah! Wyoming!" Archer said quickly. "Go ahead and put down Louisville!"

Mallory gave him a look. "You really like Louisville don't you?"

"No. No," Archer scoffed. "I like Wyoming."

"Okay so I'll put down Wyoming," Mallory shrugged.

"Are you **insane?** Have you seen the point spread they've had this year?" Archer barked.

"Ah ha!" Mallory crowed. She then looked down. "Damn it. Now I like Louisville too. This is a problem."

"Not **all **my picks for March Madness are bad Mother!" Archer snapped. "Remember North Carolina over Houston?"

"I still say that game was a fluke," Mallory grumbled. "Which proves the adage even a broken clock is right twice a day!"

"Why would you keep a broken clock in your office and not buy a new one?" Archer asked, clearly confused.

"Now I'm rethinking Louisville…" Mallory groaned.

Back to the present.

"So basically your main plan for making money off of the brackets is just to pick the opposite teams Archer likes?" Lana was stunned.

"To be fair it is a good system," Ray pointed out.

"I know. Sterling has always been terrible at gambling," Mallory admitted. "When it comes to making bets for money he has worse instincts than Johnny 'No Thumbs' Patrillo."

"Who…?" Ray began to ask.

"A minor gangster I ran around with for a brief time," Mallory explained. "Wasn't very good at gambling. Always in debt. The nickname is a misnomer. Let's just say all they were able to find of him were his thumbs."

"Sweet Jesus," Ray winced.

"So where is Archer?" Lana asked.

"I sent him out on a minor mission which if all goes well might earn this agency some more assignments," Mallory explained.

"Did it have anything to do with that Secret Service Awards Dinner last night?" Pam asked.

"Yes. How did you even know they had an awards dinner?" Mallory frowned. "That was kept a secret."

"It's not a secret anymore!" Pam laughed as she pointed to the computer. "A couple of secret service agents got busted for drinking while drunk!"

"WHAT? No…No, it has to be a coincidence!" Mallory protested.

"They crashed into a barricade at the White House," Pam snickered as she showed the news column online.

"You're kidding?" Lana looked at the article.

"Two agents were let go however even though the cops wanted to arrest them," Pam read the article. "But they're looking for a third man who was with them and was possibly driving a car…"

"That doesn't prove it was Sterling," Mallory waved.

"He was singing 'Danger Zone' and punched out a cop for scuffing his shoes," Pam read.

"That's him all right," Ray spoke up.

"And this same man is being investigated for something about bringing hookers to the Secret Service Awards dinner without proper clearance," Pam went on.

"Idiot," Mallory clenched her teeth.

"Okay…I have to know," Cyril groaned. "Why did you send Archer…?"

"I was trying to work on a secret separate deal so we could do some contract work for the Secret Service," Mallory explained. "Obviously **that's **not going to happen anytime soon!"

"Well it depends on how good the hookers were," Pam spoke up. Mallory glared at her. "Just saying!"

"Again why Archer and for what purpose…?" Lana asked.

"I don't want to go into too many details but I sort of owed a favor! But it was not for Sterling to supply hookers and alcohol!" Mallory explained. "It was a security thing. And for Sterling to give the head of the Secret Service rough drafts of a new training facility building they are planning to build."

"Training facility? Wait a minute…?" Krieger did a double take. "Is that why you had me download and recreate the exact floorplans of the White House?"

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"You mean the real White House?" Cheryl asked. "Or some other guy's white house?"

"The real one," Krieger said. "You said it was to make an accurate model out of Legos!"

"Well I lied!" Mallory barked. "About the Lego thing anyway…"

"Wait the Secret Service doesn't have floorplans of the White House?" Pam blinked in shock.

"They did but they lost them," Mallory sighed. "Don't ask."

Mallory's mobile phone began to ring. "Oh great…" She grumbled.

"Archer?" Lana asked.

"Nope," Mallory let out a breath. "Head of the Secret Service."

"Gee I wonder what **that's** **about?**" Ray said sarcastically.

Mallory glared at him before answering the phone. "Hello? Oh hi there…No. How was the banquet? Really? I haven't heard at thing about that. Now wait a minute I'm sure Sterling was only trying to…"

The sound of someone screaming could be heard from the phone. "Busted!" Cheryl giggled.

"Yes I know I…" Mallory listened. "Wait…Where is Sterling? Well how the hell did he get into the elevator in the White House in the **first place**? Well it seems to me that it's **your** security that is extremely lacking! Don't yell at me! I didn't tell him to bring hookers and Absinthe to your party! Yes! I remember what he did in Columbia! I said I was sorry for that!"

"Oh God…" Lana groaned.

"Look this only proves the incompetence of **your agency**! Not mine!" Mallory barked. "Now where is Sterling? He's **where**…? He did **what?** Well how the hell did he manage to steal the Spirit of St. Louis from the Smithsonian anyway?"

"Here it is," Pam pointed to the news article on the computer. "Apparently he managed to drive it on the highway and tried to go through a McDonald's drive through. And was very agitated when he couldn't get a shamrock shake."

"How did he find the right fuel to power it in the first place?" Ray asked.

"How does Archer do anything he manages to do?" Lana threw up her hands. "The man has a knack for destruction and insanity."

"It is rather impressive isn't it?" Krieger said enviously.

"No, you are…!" Mallory shouted into the phone. "Fine! Who needs you? I don't care what you've heard from the CIA! My agency is doing fine all on its own! That's the last time you get a favor from me Mister! Oh yeah? Good riddance!"

"Let me take a wild guess," Ray drawled as Mallory hung up. "They're not going to hire us are they?"

"And it's going to cost you a lot of money and favors to bail Archer out of this one!" Lana added.

"Let's just say we really need to do well on our brackets this year," Mallory groaned as she went to make more calls.


End file.
